While I did not fix dinner on Saturday night (grrrrrr ) (-_-) Dave and I went to Jimmy John's and had a sub. I only ate half of it and then after my game, I ate the other half. I was happy about that. I also did not get any M&Ms or other such treat for myself when we went to QT. I know that seems small, but it is kind of a funny thing about me. I have times that I allow myself to do things like down a bag of M&Ms—at the games is one of those times. I think well you are running around and "exercising" so you can "afford" a bag of M&Ms when in reality that is not how you get ahead of your addiction… that is how you make an excuse to continue "sneaking" food. I am a sweets sneaker. I will go to the grocery store and if the kids are not with me, I will buy a candy bar or a little chocolate milk eat/drink it before I get home. It is weird that I give myself the ok to do that. I will also give myself permission if someone else buys it for me. It is something I have to recognize and do better at.
SmartOnes and Lean Cuisine have come out with "larger portions" for the frozen foods. I like them they fill me up and I don't feel bad about eating them! A lot of times I would still be hungry and deny myself after eating the smaller portion ones, so I would eat other stuff thinking it was not enough… I tend to eat twice the calories when I do that. TODAY I realize I am not hungry when I eat the "larger" sized. SO I eat only the 300 or so calories for lunch instead of eating 240 then another 300 as additions to the smaller portions. Anyway, that is just my learning to deal with my rationalization of when and what I eat. I have an issue with Obsessive Calorie Counting. I am not sure what a meal calorie count is… and if I remember, then I think I must at all cost stay under it and in fact eat as few as I possibly can. If I can I will not eat more than 500 calories during the day and then I am "allowed" to eat more at dinner. I will short myself then at dinner because I am having a "good" day. I am pretty sure that is wrong, but I can't stop myself. IF I see a "snack" that is more than 100 calories I will feel terrible if I eat it. I also will if a snack is under 100 calories eat one then give myself permission to eat another because it was after all ONLY 90 calories… HOW messed up is that? I don't know. I do know that I also sometimes just say… forget it… I am eating whatever I want. That is not any better. It is a TERRIBLE cycle I am in. I don't know how to get out of it. I wonder should I talk to Jean about it? I mean, I want to be healthy and I know going to the gym usually leads to me "starving" myself and then I feel bad and I will overeat (justifying it all along the way). Then I will get tired of the cycle and go back to the "Dave loves me at whatever size I am" What I forget is it is NOT only about "looking" good (although for many, many years I felt like that was my primary function!) it is about BEING healthy… and I am NOT.
OK so tonight is John's birthday dinner at Red Lobster! MMMMM, soooo what will I do? Will I just go with my pattern and "eat as I please, after all it's a celebration!" NO is the answer. I am going onto the internet to get the nutritional information and make my dinner decision BEFORE I go to the restaurant. That is how I keep my mind set. I will avoid the cheesy biscuits that I like, but really are they worth losing ground? NO-
One last thing—softball, oh, softball—I actually really like playing. I just wish I was a better player. I know that I was actually trying to remember all that stuff Dave has told me all these years… shift in the outfield (although I am in the far right field—lamest position on the whole field) BUT I did throw to the right base when the one ball dribbled out to me.. AND I covered 1st base anytime she had a ball thrown her direction. I realized as I was "watching" the game from my lame position, I know more about the game then I thought--- even if the umpire didn't really give his old wife a chance to get to her position before calling out "let go" it was a little frustrating.. I was jogging out to my position and never made it in time… (-_-) grrr… Oh well there is always next week. I ALSO have made a promise to go wherever Sean tells me and not be a complainer on the team… there will always be enough people to fit that position—I AM team player this year!
That is my weekend report.
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